Montessori at Home
Making room for children in your home ... and in your life!
By Tim Seldin
Our role as parents and the inner life of the child
Montessori taught us to look at each child as a unique being who has never lived before; a spiritual embryo alive with possibility and ready to grow spiritually, morally, and psychologically.
She wrote: "Human beings are formed slowly. Each of us is "worked by hand," and each individual is different from every other, having his own distinctive spirit, as if he were a natural work of art. The process takes many years.
The inner life of the child is an enigma. The only thing we know about him is that he could be anything, but nobody knows what he will be or what he will do.
Human development is exactly like the process necessary to produce a work of art that the artist, sequestered in the intimacy of his studio, modifies and transforms before he brings it before the public. The process by which the human personality is formed is in the hidden work of incarnation. "
Montessori thought of the child as a spiritual embryo which must eventually be able to operate on its own in the world. Like the human embryo before birth, this spiritual embryo who is the young child must be protected from a hostile environment by the warmth of our love and acceptance.
"That tender, graceful little being, whom we adore and whom we overwhelm with material things, must inspire reverence in us. Multa debetur puero reverentia. (We must revere the young.)"
Children learn from their mistakes
Adults often mistakenly assume that children develop their character solely through our care and upbringing. We believe that we can shape a child's personality and destiny through our sound advice and attempts to direct their development.
Children carry within themselves the key to their own development. Their early attempts to express their individuality are hesitant and tentative. Our children think that we are all-wise and all-powerful. They are easily overwhelmed by our best intentions. Our efforts to protect our children from mistakes that seem so obvious from our perspective tend to frustrate their process of learning for themselves about life.
We have to respect the child's efforts to develop an independent personality, because through this creative process the child literally forms the adult. As parents, It is our duty to attempt to understand the psychological needs of our children and to prepare an environment within our homes for him.
Montessori always felt that parents unconsciously tended to hinder and frustrate the child's process of spiritual growth although we may operate from the best of intentions.
The primary role of the parent is to help the child to become mature, independent and responsible. Unfortunately we often misunderstand what we can do, and what we must not do, if we truly want to facilitate this process. We tend to over-protect, not realizing that our children can only learn about life through trial and error, just as we did.
Our role as parents is to help our children learn to live in peace and harmony with all people and the environment. We work to create a home in which our children can learn to function as independent, thinking people.
To truly succeed in our role as parents, we need to treat our children with tremendous respect as full and complete human beings who happen to be in our care. Our children need to feel that it is okay to be who and what they are.
We need to really let them feel our respect; it is not enough to simply say the words. If they believe that they are not living up to our expectations, that we are disappointed in the people they are becoming, they may be emotionally scarred for a lifetime. A child who feels unaccepted by his parents can only wander through life looking in from the outside like a stranger.
As parents, one of our fundamental aims is the inspiration of our child's heart. We not only share our religious beliefs with our children, we teach our values, ethics, and sense of what is truly wonderful and important: love, kindness, joy, and confidence in the fundamental goodness of life. In simple ways, we encourage our children to begin the journey toward being fully alive and fully human. Everything that we do is intended to nurture within our children a sense of joy and appreciation of life, a sense of the poetic, and mankind's interrelationship with the universe.
Whether consciously or not, we teach our values to our children. Hopefully, we share the goal of teaching our children to understand and respect the very real differences between different cultures. Truly, though we are all the same inside, we are very different from one another in the ways we live our lives and perceive the world. To build a peaceful world, we must learn to see people as they really are, and not be afraid of that which is strange and vastly different from our own ways. Just as children can learn to hate from their parents, they can learn to love.
In order to live happily as an adult, a child needs two things: a strong sense of her separate identity apart from her parents and a sense of her full membership in not only the family but the larger community in which she lives. Our moral obligation is to facilitate the transition from childhood to maturity and to teach the skills that it takes to function successfully in school, college, the work place, and the cultural environment of America. This is our mission as mothers and fathers.
I believe that we should present an honest picture of the world to our children, according to their growing ability to understand. They should never be confused and uncertain about what we really stand for. Naturally, though, they learn more from what we do than from what we preach. Our actions should be consistent with our values. In order for children to grow up emotionally and morally complete, they must be able to trust and understand the important adults in their lives. In the end, they must learn how to think and judge for themselves. But they begin with us as their example.
Establishing a climate of love
Children are extremely sensitive to the emotional climate within the family. They love us and basically want to us to be pleased with them. This doesn't mean that they will always behave. Every child will test the rules and misbehave to some degree. In fact, most acts of misbehavior are a normal part of the child's process of growing up.
Children's misbehavior is often their way of expressing feelings that they don't understand, and from our responses they gradually learn how to handle their emotions appropriately. By testing the limits, they learn that we really care about certain ground rules of grace and courtesy in our relationship. In acting out, they take their first tentative steps toward independence, attempting to demonstrate that we don't control them completely.
Agree on your family ground rules and get them written down where both parents can refer to them. Teach your children how to do the right thing rather than focusing on their infractions. Be consistent! If you can't bring yourself to reinforce a rule again and again, it shouldn't be a ground rule at your house.
A few good rules are much better than dozens of nitpicking rules that no one can remember.
At my home, there are only a few ground rules: Be kind and gentle and treat all life with respect. Don't whine! Tell the truth and don't be afraid to admit that you made a mistake. Just do your best to learn from it. If you break something, clean it up.
I've never been impressed with threats and punishments as tools to get children to behave. From my experience, those children who respond to threats and are shaken by punishments are anxious to please us and win back our love. On the other hand, when children are angry, or are asserting their independence, they often don't care if they are punished, and let us know that it doesn't phase them.
Punishments and threats give children a choice that I don't believe we should offer them. In effect, we're saying: "You can decide whether you would rather follow our family rules or accept the consequences. Either way, it's all the same to me. I would just as soon scold and punish you as have you follow the family ground rules." Punishment is simply not as effective as we tend to assume.
At both home and school, I try to concentrate on teaching kids to do things correctly, emphasizing the positive rather than using insults and anger. I won't kid you; it's not always easy. Above all else, I try to never ask my children stupid questions, like "How many times do I have to tell you....?" to which the appropriate response is, "I don't know, Dad! How many times do you have to tell me?" Ask a silly question and you get a silly answer.
Creating an atmosphere of love
Children are actually so sensitive and impressionable that ideally we should monitor everything we say and do, for everything is engraved in their memories.
Our children love us with a profound affection. When they go to bed they want to us to stay with them as they go to sleep. When we work in the kitchen, they often want to help. When we sit down to dinner, they want to join us. We may worry that we'll spoil them if we listen to their pleas, but we shouldn't. They only want us to pay attention to them. They want to be part of the group. Montessori wrote:
"Who else weeps out of the intense desire to be with us while we eat? And how sadly we will say someday, "Nobody cries now to have me near him while he falls asleep." Only a child says every night, "Don't leave me; stay with me!" and the adult answers, "I can't; I have so much to do, and anyway, what kind of nonsense is this?" and thinks the child must be corrected or he will make everyone a slave of his love.
Sometimes a child wakes in the morning and goes to wake his parents, who would rather sleep; everyone complains about this kind of thing. He slips from his bed, approaches his parents and touches them lightly. Most often they say, "Don't wake me up in the morning," and the child responds, "I didn't wake you up; I only kissed you!"
Organizing the Home
The Bedroom
"We must give the child an environment that he can utilize by himself: a little washstand of his own, a bureau with drawers he can open, objects of common use that he can operate, a small bed in which he can sleep at night under an attractive blanket he can fold and spread by himself. We must give him an environment in which he can live and play; then we will see him work all day his hands and wait impatiently to undress himself and lay himself down on his own bed."--Maria Montessori
Children's bedrooms should clearly reflect their personalities and current interests.
Even though on their own they may tend to create chaos, young children have a tremendous need and love for an orderly environment. Everything should have its own place and the environment should be organized to make it easy for the child to maintain a neat, well organized atmosphere.
Ideally, the young child's bed should be low to the floor, making it easy for toddlers to get in and out on their own. Rather than a crib, Montessori urged parents to modify the bedroom to facilitate both the child's safety and his early independence. Consider a Japanese futon or a mattress without the bed frame.
By age five, you may wish to allow your child to use a sleeping bag on his bed instead of sheets and blankets. This make it easy for him to make his own bed in the morning.
Mount a nice little coat and hat rack low on one wall where your child can reach them easily.
Decorate the walls with high quality art prints of children or animals hung at the child's eye level.
Mount a wall clock at the child's level. Select one with a large easily read face.
Modify your light switches with extenders to allow the young child to turn his lights on and off independently.
Hang a bulletin board on the wall at your child's eye level on which he can hang art work school papers.
Don't use a toy box. Imagine the chaos in your kitchen or workshop if you threw your tools and utensils together in a chest. Instead use low shelves to display books and toys Try to duplicate the look of your child's classroom.
Notice how Montessori teachers avoid clutter. Place toys with many pieces in appropriate containers, such as tupperware "boxes" with lids, basket, or in a sturdy plastic bag.
Use a sturdy wooden crate to hold your child's building blocks.
You may want to create a model town or farm on piece of heavy plywood. Paint it green and sprinkle model railroad "grass" on it to simulate a meadow. Placed on a low table, your child can create wonderful displays with model buildings made of wood or plastic. Add little trees and people from a model railroad set. You could set up a doll house this way as well.
Store Lego blocks were in a large, colorful and sturdy canvas bag with handles. Sew on strips of velcro to fasten the bag closed. In your child's bedroom the bag will serve as a sack to contain his Legos. When you travel it is very easy to pick the bag up to come along.
Make sure that your child's clothes chest has drawers that are the right height for him or her to open and look inside. Label the drawers: underwear, socks, etc.
Flower vases: Encourage your child to collect flowers from the fields or garden for his room.
Provide some shelf space for a small nature museum in your child's room. Here he can display rocks that he finds, interesting seeds, and (in small cages) interesting 'critters.'
Music should be an important part of every child's life. Set some space aside for a simple stereo system and collection of recordings.
The Bathroom
The bathroom must be prepared for your child. He should be able to reach the sink, turn on the water, and reach his toothbrush and toothpaste without help.
There should be a special place where he can reach for his towel and washcloth.
Most parents provide bathroom stools, but small wobbly stools often do not provide enough secure, comfortable space for bathroom tasks.
Build wooden platforms 6-8 inches high that actually fit around toilets and sinks.
An Art and Crafts Area
Set up an art area with an easel and a spacious art table for drawing, craft work and clay. Cover the table with a washable tablecloth.
Children's art supplies can be neatly stored in separate tupperware containers. Depending on your child's age, the art supplies that you prepare might include washable magic markers, crayons, paste, paper, fabric scraps and recycled household articles for making collages You can keep tempera paint fresh by mixing it in Tupperware containers that are divided into three or more inner compartments.
The Kitchen
Make room in your kitchen for a child-sized work table for young cooks.
Set aside the bottom shelf in your refrigerator for your children. Here you can store small drink pitchers, fruit, and the ingredients for making sandwiches and snacks. Use non-breakable Tupperware containers to hold peanut butter, jams, lunch meats, and spreads. A child of two can open the refrigerator and get her own prepared snack or cold drink stored in a little cup. A slightly older child can pour her own juice and make her own lunch.
Use a bottom drawer to hold forks, knives and spoons.
Mount a low shelf on a wall for plates, cups, and napkins.
Children can help around the house
If presented correctly, children from age two to six take delight in caring for their environment, dusting, mopping, scrubbing, cleaning and polishing, and they should be able to do so as easily at home as at school. It is perfectly reasonable to ask older children to straighten up their rooms and help with simple household chore.
Give your child his own little broom or dust buster.
Hang a feather duster on a hook.
Provide a hamper for your child's dirty clothes. Ask him to carry them to the laundry room on a regular basis.
The bathroom should have a small bucket with a bathtub scrub brush and a sponge.
Folding towels and napkins is a good activity to teach the young child.
Preparing for holidays should be a family affair
Children are an integral part of the family, and should play a meaningful role in planning and preparing for holidays and family celebrations. According to their age, children can be very helpful: cleaning up their rooms, chopping vegetables, helping with the cooking and baking, setting the table, carrying food to the table, setting out holiday decorations, receiving guests at the door, sitting nicely at the table, acting as nice hosts and hostesses to young friends and relatives visiting their home.
All of us swell with pride when friends and relatives complement us on our children's intelligence, charm, and courtesy.
Television
Children's values and knowledge about the world have traditionally been shaped by four cultural influences: the home, school, church, and peer groups. Today television represents a fifth and incredibly powerful culture over which most of us have little knowledge and exercise no control. This is unfortunate, especially when you consider that the average child watches 6.5 hours of television a day. It has become the baby-sitter of choice for all too many American families.
There are several problems with uncontrolled television and kids. The violence portrayed on television is tremendously concerning. In one year a child can see thousands of murders, fights, car crashes, and mid-air explosions. Certainly the values and problem solving approach considered appropriate to many producers differs from my own. However, an even greater concern for me is the hypnotic character of television viewing. Many parents observe that their young children can sit for hours and hours enthralled by Saturday morning TV. Of course they sit and watch for long periods; they are in a trance. TV viewing is at best a passive experience. It requires no thought, no imagination, and no effort. Quality children's programming can be terrific, but most of what's available is anything but. What other medium can so wonderfully transport us to another time or place. However, I believe that TV is best doled out in carefully planned and measured doses.
Children really do not need TV to entertain themselves. Establish some family ground rules that make sense to you. Determine the shows that your children can watch, and limit the number of hours a day your child can spend in front of the set. Give your children as much choice as possible. "You can choose from among the following shows, however, you can only watch three of them in any one day. What do you want today's choices to be?" Some families allow children to only watch public television on their own. The parents consider whether commercial television shows are appropriate on a case by case basis. Sometimes a show may have real value but deal with a subject that have confusing or disturbing content. In these cases the whole family watches and then discusses them together.
Working together as a couple
Many parents have lamented that their efforts to create some order for their child's toys are undermined by the other parent's looser concept of order. Creating this clear sense of external order is extremely important for all children, especially when they are younger than four. Parents must work together!
In Conclusion
So often parents end up frustrated in their efforts to keep the peace in their homes. They concentrate on trying to get their children to do what they want them to do, instead of on nurturing the family ties. Our children need to be respected as independent human beings. Discipline should be taught as a series of positive lessons taught by loving and confident parents who knows that their children are basically good, and completely capable of doing the right thing. Children tend to live up to our expectations.
Love is not enough; the respect that we give our children and insist on in return is the key. Don't ask your children to earn your respect and trust, assume that they deserve to be treated with respect from the beginning. Its amazing to me that families will treat each other with far less kindness and respect than they extend to their next door neighbors. Respect is the essential lubricant that keep the machinery of family relationships working smoothly.
Sometimes parents try to be "best friends" with their children, which tends to become a serious mistake. Friends they can get on the street, but they only have one set of parents. If we get caught up in having our children "like" us, we will find it difficult to confront them when they do act out of line (as they will sooner or later). Getting angry with your parents is part of growing up. It's how we create a bit of distance between us and our childhood. Ideally, a parent is loved, respected, and someone to confide in, but not a buddy or playmate.
Speak to the very best within your child. Try to call forth from within her the young adult who will someday walk in her shoes. Children, like all people, tend to live up to our expectations or down to our disrespect.
This respect should extend to your child's interests and all the "reasonable" activities in which she becomes engaged. Pay attention to the things that fascinate her and try to understand them.
As much as possible, support your child's desires for activity. Don't try to wait on her or entertain her, but teach her to be independent.
Be very careful about what you do or say in front of children. As the poem goes, children learn what they live. They are much more sensitive than we know to our influences
We communicate volumes about how we feel about our children by the kind of home we make for them. By including children in our family life and showing concern for her feelings and respect for her interests we tell her how much she really means to us.
